yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i love accidental penises.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
