I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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