saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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