he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
