She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
