I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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