the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
