One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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