Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
