Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
