My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
