Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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