just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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