when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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