was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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