Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
