you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
