I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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