you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
