my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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