I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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