Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
