My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
