I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
