Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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