Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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