this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
