I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I AM VODKA MAN
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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