I got chris browned last night
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
