you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
