What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
