I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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