I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
