Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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