OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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