why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize