my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
