before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
