I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
