You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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