I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
it glows. i had to have it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
