4 words: hood of his car
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
