I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
