got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she looked like the before picture.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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