He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
