You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
