There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
