Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think your dad took our porno
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
