I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
