May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
