can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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