The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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