Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
