Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
