just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
