what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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