You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
