am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I faked an abortion last night.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
