dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
