Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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