During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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