he wants to bone in the snuggie
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
