my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
