I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
